About Shiduchim, phone calls and…waiting
Sunday week 1:
The Shadchan calls the boys' mother and tells her about this wonderful girl who is ready to go out with her son. The boy’s mother is very excited. "Sounds great, give me some reference phone numbers!" She gets three numbers, writes them on the back of a receipt, which is laying next to the phone and hangs up.
Monday week 1:
The boy’s mother sits next to the phone, looking for the receipt of something she wants to return. On the back she sees some phone numbers. She decides to call reference #1.
Tuesday week 1:
At the girl's home:
The girl’s mother gets a phone call from a friend. "Someone called yesterday about your daughter and they sound really interested!" The mother is happy to hear that, and right away calls her daughter.
Thursday week 2:
At the girl's home.
"We haven’t heard anything yet. When we first heard about the boy, we did all our research within 3 days. Wonder what’s taking them so long. Is there something wrong with our family?"
The girl has lost 3lbs.
Monday week 2:
At the boy’s house:
The boy’s mother is talking on the phone when a piece of paper sticks out from under her notepad. A receipt with some phone numbers. "Oh yes, let me call reference #2."
Wednesday week 3:
At the girl’s home:
The girl hasn’t slept well for a while now. Is she getting sick or something? She has lost weight, looks pale and doesn’t really know what keeps waking her up at night. Actually, she does know. Will they ever call back?
Thursday week 3:
At the girl’s home
The mother tells her daughter: "If we haven’t heard from them till now, it probably means, "No, they’re not interested." The girl is a little upset. "What about them being excited?"
Monday week 4:
At the girl’s home:
The mother decides to call the Shadchan. The Shadchan tries to remember who this boy was again. Oh yes, he’ll call them today.
Wednesday week 4:
At the girl’s home.
The mother calls the Shadchan back – right; he got distracted and never called. Don’t worry, he’ll call now. Call back in 2 hours.
Wednesday week 4:
At the boy’s home.
The boy’s mother gets a call from the Shadchan. "Oh that’s right, we never finished looking into that. Well, my son is a good boy; he’ll probably get something even better. Just tell the girl he’s already busy now. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll call back.
Thursday week 4:
A very disappointed girl, who has spent the night crying from tiredness and disappointment, now has to start all over again. Why didn’t they say he was busy in the firs place? How did they call the references if he was going out with someone? Why did they never call back? Did they….lie?
If this case sounds familiar to you (and it is based on a collection of true stories) and you have a son or brother, make a good hachlotoh now! You will never be the one to cause any girl these heartaches. You will be a Mentch, call back when you’re supposed to, or even earlier. (You know, it could have happened to your daughter too!)
For Mothers, Shadchonim & Friends
Some do’s, don’ts and other tips about Shiduchim
- Do get back with an answer, either yes or no, within a week. If all references are in the same time zone, try doing it a little faster.
- Don’t tell a girl who was just ‘let down’- Don’t worry, you’ll get a better one. It’s all Hashgocho Protis.
- Do let her cry and give her time to get over it.
- If a girl has been going out for a while, and the boy decides it’s not for him- do give her a reason. Don’t just say: He’s not interested anymore. It makes her feel like garbage.
- When speaking to a reference, do keep in mind who you’re talking too. Is it the girl’s friend or her boss?
- If your son is 27 and the girl is 25, do not ask what’s wrong with her that she isn’t married yet. It’s in 95% of the cases just the same as with your son: it just didn’t happen yet.
- Do not take anything for granted. If one of the parties isn’t American, it does not automatically mean that they don’t speak English, that they want to live close to their parents etc.
Feel free to E-mail us your comments @ Bochrimlist@yahoo.com
Comments will Iy'h be posted (anonymously)
READERS COMMENTS
'Don't take others for a ride..be honest..and know if you really are serious about marriage before you start dating...' (14 Adar 1 5765)
"We were at the Shadchan's house. Shadchan is on the phone with "the boy's (that's perfect for our daughter) mother.
Is not going out will check our references. Fair enough.
We call back Shadchan within one week, boy is going out. All of a sudden he's going out? He wasn't going out five days again. His mother didn't know? Please just be honest and say you're not interested, it's obvious you don't know how to act properly. I'm not giving out references so fast anymore.
These boys mothers will see what happens when it's their daughters turn!
Sincerely, a concerned mother" (28 Adar 1 5765)
Response To Article On Phone Calls
Actually, we do have a notebook with all of those names and numbers and notes.
Very often a shadchan calls up and offers 3 to 30 names at one time. They may or may not offer any information for these names, just to see if a name catches your eye. While looking into some of those names another shadchan calls and offers 1 or 2 names. Do I tell the shadchan that my son is busy? He isn’t. The shadchan tells me the other names and that I should check them out. I have dealt with several shadchanim. Almost all of them will give me several names at one time. My son is NOT busy until we decide that one of those girls sounds promising and the other family is interested too. Am I supposed to tell everyone who calls that I am looking into something when I have no idea if it will work out or if the other side is interested? We have also been turned down by a family that was mentioned to us by a shadchan as being interested in my son.
Remember that I work full time and I have other children and responsibilities. I want to see my son married, IY"H, so I get to work on these shidduchim. I make inquiries and start calling references about 1 or 2 girls who sound the most promising.
If a shadchan has given me some basic information about a girl that I realize will not work for my son, I try to call back in a day or two and give a reason that is not hurtful. Sometimes he is "busy now" is the easiest, closest to an honest answer that I can give. Or that I am looking into something else that I think will work out. Other reasons are not always appropriate. And if he wasn’t busy before and perhaps the girl sounds like a possibility, but something else materialized, then "busy" leaves the door open if what is going on doesn’t work out, without saying "no" or hurting anyone.
The mother in this story doesn’t sound too intelligent. Why get your daughter’s hopes up before it is appropriate? Enthusiasm is nice, hopefully all the people who call a reference are mentshen and sound interested, but it takes more than one phone call to make a shidduch. And our children should NOT be involved in a phone call by phone call update.
Let’s see what my week has been like:
Reference 1: Line is busy (repeat 20 times). Give up on this reference.
Reference 2: Line is disconnected (this is a cell phone; during week 2 the phone now works again – true story!!)
Reference 3: Wrong number
Reference 4: Leave 3 messages because you know this reference. No return calls. Call again. Someone answers! "My mother is putting the kids to bed. Call back in half an hour." Half an hour later: line is busy. Call again, leave another message. Call again, finally speak to mother.
Reference 5: Call, but don’t leave message. Call again and again and again and again and......Finally "my mother isn’t home. Call in an hour." One hour later: no one is home. Repeat, etc., etc., etc.
Reference 6: Have someone else call a reference. They report very negatively, but because some other calls were positive, continue calling.
Reference 7: Call 50 times just to get daughter’s phone number (really!). Line is either busy or you get a message but choose not to leave a message. Give up.
Reference 8: Repeat of #7 Some of these were references furnished by the family, some given by other references. ALL TRUE, however these were only the negative experiences.
After 10 days: Shadchan calls. How come it takes so long to decide?!!!!?? The other family had their answers in three days. (Maybe because the references that we offered were easier to contact?) Who said this was going to be easy because I have a son???
(2 AdarII)
Hey, that sounds familiar! It happened to me just a few weeks ago. The boys' mother called the references but every one of them on a different friday, yes, 4 references means 4 weeks. She sounded very interested. Then why didn't she call the shadchan, or why didn't the shadchan call me to say...I don't know, just anything, just to let me know what's happening. I really hope that the boy or his mother read this comment. Have a good day.
(4 AdarII)